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Of all the animals, man is the only one that lies.

The future ain't what it used to be.

It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.

I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be and I finally became that person. Or he became me. Or we met at some point.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't work.

Last night I discovered a new form of oral contraceptive. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said no.