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David Letterman
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

David Letterman       
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Spike Milligan       
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman       
Charlie Chaplin
There was a cabstand nearby and an old character they called "Rummy" Binks was one of the landmarks ... When I saw Rummy shuffle his way across the pavement to hold a cabman's horse for a penny tip, I was fascinated. The walk was so funny to me that I imitated it ... Day after day I cultivated that walk. It became an obsession. Whenever I pulled it, I was sure of a laugh. Now, no matter what else I may do that is amusing. I can never get away from the walk.

Charlie Chaplin       
Audrey Hepburn
Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you're exactly the same.

Audrey Hepburn       
P. J. O'Rourke©
Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed.

P. J. O'Rourke       



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