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A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Mark Twain, 11/30/1835 - 04/21/1910
US author

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't work.

Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

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