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I always turn to the sports page first. The sports page records people's accomplishments; the front page nothing but man's failures.

Earl Warren
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Earl Warren

Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking.

Bill Vaughan
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I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.

Rodney Dangerfield
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg
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Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.

Homer Simpson
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