Two quotes

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Abraham Lincoln
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln       
Ambrose Bierce
Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

Ambrose Bierce       
Mae West
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West       
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Homer Simpson       
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.

Totie Fields       
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

David Frost       

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